The Pursuit Of Satisfaction & Finding Contentment

Whilst writing this, I’m sat on a picnic bench, watching my dog snuffle around me and attempting to ignore my concern at this albeit lovely, but alarmingly out of place summer weather. 

And no, the reality isn’t as idyllic as it sounds. I didn’t get to my desk until 10:30am. I then spent an hour failing to record todays podcast episode. (I’m uploading an episode a day this week… God knows why… goodbye free time and sanity!!). I almost resigned myself to a pizza hut and Friends lunch break. And I’m now hoping the generic antidote of fresh air and exercise will clear my mind and get this letter out of my brain.

Todays letter is an exploration. The starting of a conversation you might say. A conversation which has been consuming the (limited) available space in my brain for the last few weeks. A conversation started by a question…
 

WILL I EVER BE SATISFIED?

Despite my limited years on this planet and somewhat narrow exposure to adult life, I’ve noticed something in those around me in those who do what I do. A set of common denominators when it comes to our personality traits. Characteristics I find myself and many around me ticking the box of.

I'LL NAME A FEW...

I desire to do and be more

I am in constant pursuit of what could be

I reach one goal and immediately dream up and set my sights on the next

I have the ability to push through hardship / emotion / exhaustion to get the job done

I find little to no contentment in my ‘now’ and source a whole lot of drive from the potential of my tomorrow

I strive to do everything which more efficiency and impact the 2nd time around
 

Sound at all familiar?

Ultimately these traits, characteristics, whatever you want to call them, go both ways. 

Whilst there’s no hard evidence, I’m pretty sure my business wouldn’t exist if I wasn’t so driven by goals, personal improvement and what could be. And if somehow it still did, it would look very different to what I’m building right now. 

But flip that positive spin over and recognising those traits and considering the fallout often leaves me questioning - when will I be satisfied? Whilst right now, I celebrate my driven nature and ability to push my thoughts / feelings to the side when they’re irrelevant to work, but how does that narrative end up?

When will it feel like I’ve done enough? Was my ex-boyfriend right when he joked I’d be 35, burnt out, pretty rich but with nothing more than a business? What level of ‘success’ or achievement will mean I shut my laptop without feeling guilty for not doing more? Is that an unrealistic expectation in itself? 

THE PURSUIT OF CONTENTMENT

My Dad, one of the wisest people I know, was my instant go-to when I could finally summarise these thoughts into a (somewhat) coherent question. And whilst I’m sure it wasn’t the answer he was expecting when he asked ‘so how are things?’ on our drive to the gym, his response was every piece of thought provoking simplicity I hoped it would be.

‘I guess it depends where your identity comes from. It’s OK to be driven. But if your identity is in what you do, it’s a never ending pursuit’.

*paraphrased*
 

It’s a message I’ve heard since I was a young teen. Countless people; mentors, teachers, family etc, have given me the ‘your worth isn’t defined by what you do’ spiel and whilst my outward reaction would be one of ‘yes of course you’re right’, inside it made no sense to me.

How could my identity not be linked to what I do? Of course the amount I achieve is connected to who I am.

It’s just always felt like a natural thing to me. And aside from going to bed a little disheartened when things don’t go to plan, I’ve never really noticed or given attention to the negative impact of this mindset. Until now, as I try to untangle the where, why and what of this perspective I seem to naturally adopt.

I still haven’t made total sense of this. Something you can probably tell from reading this letter. But it’s something I’m urging myself to explore, even when it feels uncomfortable.
 

My current conclusion? My business consumes 85% of my life and does feed into my identity. Long term, I know that’s not a healthy mindset or at all sustainable. But for now, it’s the driving force behind what I do. And whilst I'm exploring how to get the best of both worlds, I trust it’ll change when it needs to.

Maybe the answers will come with time. Maybe the pendulum will shift and an alternative source of affirmation and contentment will enter my life. Maybe. 

What are your thoughts on this? Whether our perspectives are shared or not, I'd love to hear your thoughts as I continue exploring what feels like total new territory for me. Just hit reply and we can talk it out.

And as always, I'm cheering you on.